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Archive for the 'Funny' Category
7 Minute Abs

Dig inFrom Something About Mary:
Hitchhiker: You heard of this thing, the 8-Minute Abs?
Ted: Yeah, sure, 8-Minute Abs. Yeah, the excercise video.
Hitchhiker: Yeah, this is going to blow that right out of the water. Listen to this: 7… Minute… Abs.

My buddy Tev wrote this very informative post, which really shows his culinary expertise, about how to make a dessert in 30 seconds.

Well, I’m going to blow that right out of the water, so, I present, 29 second dessert:

Ingredients:

  • Big metal spoon
  • Bucket of ice cream
  • Optional: whipped cream

Instructions:

  1. Remove ice cream from freezer, take top off bucket and dispose of, you won’t be needing that again!
  2. Find spoon that is large, but not larger than the maximum width of your mouth. Also, other utensils might work in a pinch, kind of depends on the viscosity of the ice cream – chop sticks might not work out so well if the ice cream is kind of liquidy. Even if its not, by the time you get to the bottom of the bucket you might be out of luck.
  3. Eat
  4. If you have elected to have whipped cream, spray a mouthful into your mouth between spoonfuls of ice cream. Always spray down (towards the ground), otherwise that’s called whippits – and that isn’t dessert.

Eating dessertNutritional info:

Serving size: heh
Calories: bite me
Fat: yes
Fiber: …

Weight Watchers Points: if you are calculating points you shouldn’t be reading this.

It’s Sarcastic Wednesday!

It’s Sarcastic Wednesday! ecard from Hallmark Ecards

More Hoops and Yoyo

Quadruplets, or lack of caffeine

matthews20070219My son woke me up several times last night. Around 6:30 this morning he just wouldn’t go back to sleep, so I got up to make him some breakfast. Before I could have my morning tea he decided that he needed to tell me a few things. I set up the recorder so that I could share my caffeine-less conversation with my 2 year old(s). He did most of the talking.

We had a fantastic President’s day weekend – definitely nice to have that extra day. On Saturday we went to our church’s pot-luck, on Sunday was church and naps, and on Monday we went roller skating with Rachel and the kids. All of the kids started off pretty shaky, but by the end they were doing amazingly well. Especially my son, who ended up falling asleep on his Aunt even with all the crowd noise and loud music.

‘Skunk’ issues apology, retires from TV, wrestling

‘Skunk’ issues apology to Brazilians, retires from Marlborough TV, wrestling – The MetroWest Daily News

Ben’s bent broom breaks.

MooniniteIt seems that everyone is jumping on the marketing campaign from Turner Broadcasting that had Boston locked up on Wednesday, with suspicious devices planted throughout the city. They ended up being electronic signs displaying a “mooninite” from the cartoon network series, “Aqua Teen Hunger Force,” and not a bomb threat or even a hoax. Turned has apologized, and is taking financial responsibility for the work incurred around handling the mumbo jumbo. It turns out that their marketing scheme didn’t work as intended, it is working much much better! I just want everyone to know that I won’t discuss this here, as I don’t want to be just another blogger to jump on the bandwagon (Carl?) <sarcasm />. I won’t even discuss the hair style press conference of the suspects Sean Stevens and Peter Berdovsky. Okay, just one more link: ‘Aqua Teen’ leads geek-chic TV.

Giant CatfishWhat I do want to discuss are these huge animals! My friend Brent finds the weirdest stuff. First he found this bear sized catfish on National Geographic, then he points me over to Hogzilla.

The catfish was caught in Thailand back in May, was around nine feet long, and weighed over 600 pounds. This may be the largest freshwater fish ever recorded. National Geographic reports, “Despite efforts to keep the bear-size catfish alive, it died and was later eaten by villagers.

HogzillacatsThe 12 foot long, 1,000 pound, 9 inch tusked hog killed in Georgia in 2003 may not even be real. It could be just another photoshoped animal like this giant cat, or this newer giant cat.

So, does any of this have to do with a broken broom? Well, the giant pig got me thinking of Ben’s Pig Band. So, I thought I would just mention that I recently re-read “Fox in Socks” to my kids. It is my favorite Dr. Seuss book.

Bim comes.
Ben comes.
Bim brings Ben’s broom.
Ben brings Bim’s broom.

Ben bends Bim’s broom.
Bim bends Ben’s broom.
Bim’s bends.
Ben’s bends.
Ben’s bent broom breaks.
Bim’s bent broom breaks.

Ben’s band. Bim’s band.
Big bands. Pig bands.

Bim and Ben lead bands with brooms.
Ben’s band bangs and Bim’s band booms.

Pig band! Boom band!
Big band! Broom band!

Bite crackers!

GooglebotI recently did an interview with Googlebot, trying to understand how pages really do get ranked in Google.

Me: “Good morning Googlebot, how do you do?”

Googlebot: “BenCode jpg work coffee November box – Marlborough views bike Ben food.”

Me: “Really, that is fascinating. On my blog I talk about religion, biking, fitness, health, food, technology, etc. What topics interest you?”

Googlebot: “Church kids Graham RSS family God! Brand silverware biking, crap went funny Unitarian. Suck Explorer night October put bed. Post Santa sleep ride!”

Me: “Now wait, if I understand you correctly, you…”

Googlebot: “Bite crackers! Bleh fall Linux ouch. Store caffeine reserved thinking! Aplastic babel film fish grind.”

Me: “Geez, sorry, didn’t realize I offended…”

Googlebot:Jesus knowledge Saturday wow! Anemia! Technology gallery generic, leaves says size brainwave copyright owner? Rights Windows fully headed, identical iRiver McAfee MDS podcast!

Googlebot image found on Paul Ford’s story, “August 2009: How Google beat Amazon and Ebay to the Semantic Web

Thinking outside the box no longer outside the box

Fonzie jumps the sharkThere are several clichés that I’ve heard in the office (or out of the office), and a few of them have “jumped the shark.” My friend turned me on to this new saying, so I’m going to use it until it is no longer out of the box.

And that is my first example, by saying or referencing, “think outside the box,” you, in fact, are not, thinking outside the box. In fact I would say that you are thinking very inside the box, and that you should probably either stick to talking about what comes “out of the box,” or leave the whole box concept alone.

And next is my favorite trilemma, “Quick, Cheap, Good: Pick two.” Which always seems to be true, but, alas, is getting old and overused.

And so, I’m also going to introduce some of my own quotes for use in popular culture. Some I know I was the first to say, and some I must have heard somewhere else.

  • When asked about what you think of a particular thing, respond with: How do I describe this without using the word, “suck.”
  • When describing something that is slightly good, say it, “doesn’t suck.” Or, “slightly less sucky.”
  • Basically, to create a nice sarcastic comment, take a good word like fantastic, fabulous or wow, and mix it with, suck, crap or bite me. Examples: Wow that is a suck. Bite my crap. Crap crap. Sucky bite crap and suck. Sucktastic crapulosity, craptastic. Bite me.

Wow, I think I offended myself with this post.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

a34 homer4Okay, I thought it might be time for my favorite Homerizms:

  • Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
  • Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!
  • Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
  • I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.
  • Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
  • Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene.’
  • Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
  • Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
  • When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
  • Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
  • What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
  • Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
  • When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.
  • Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
  • I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
  • Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
  • How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
  • Homer no function beer well without.
  • All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
  • But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
  • I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.
  • If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing
  • I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!
  • ‘To Start Press Any Key’. Where’s the ANY key?
  • Children are our future. Unless we stop them now.
  • English? Who needs that? I’m never going to England.
  • Roads are just a suggestion Marge, just like pants.
  • My favorite kind of wild animal is on a plate.
  • If God didn’t want me to eat chicken in church, then he would have made gluttony a sin.
  • I wish God were alive to see this.
  • When are people going to learn? Democracy doesn’t work.
  • If God didn’t want us to eat animals, then why’d he make them so tasty?
  • All these guys with six pack abs, and I’m the only one with a keg.
  • My dreams have been shattered into shards of a broken dream.
  • We can hike anytime. This is our chance to see cars driving.
  • I can’t take his money. I can’t print my own money. You want me to work for money. Why don’t I just lay down and die!
  • A gun is not a weapon, it’s a tool, like a hammer or a screwdriver or an alligator.
  • I think I’ve figured this balloon thing out, Marge. It can go up and down, but not side to side or back in time.
  • Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.
  • I never apologize, I’m sorry but that’s the way I am.
  • I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
  • Porkchops and bacon, my two favorite animals.
  • That horse had better win, or else we’re taking a trip to the glue factory. And he won’t get to come.
  • It takes two to lie, Marge. One to lie and one to listen.
  • Assaulting your family is one thing, but I will not stand idly by while you feed a hungry dog.
Silverware

plasticutensilsOk, now this may sound a bit odd, but ever since high school, I’ve been searching for the perfect set of silverware. I got some new silverware, pretty close to the ideals I’m looking for! But who says you have to settle on one set of silverware? Perhaps in 6 months or a year I’ll switch to another set. It’s more about the questing than the having.

Ok, so I thought it might be funny to mock my friend Tev’s post about his silverware, until I realized that he is a long-time silverware nut. His latest post is not the beginning. I found a post and picture from back in 2003. Should I laugh or be concerned? Hey, but who am I to talk?

toiletpaperworldNow, even better – when I was looking for a picture of my ideal plasticware I found this fantastic site!<sarcasm />:

Toiletpaperworld.com – and here is a quote: “Currently this site does not support Netscape or Firefox and works best with Internet Explorer 5.0 or higher versions.”